Thought Exercise #3: Due 9/24/13

"The Surrealists were fascinated by what they perceived as the dual nature of the little girl, her propensity for innocence and evil."

"The view of the female child as particularly close to the non-material world of fantasy and the imagination was central to the beliefs of the Surrealists."

"Baby Bitches From Hell: Monstrous Little Women in Film," by Barbara Creed

I couldn't help but to choose so many quotes from Creed's article. Her words left a deep impression on me. First of all, I consider myself a child at heart. One of the biggest reasons for why I feel that way is that my extensive experience with bullying, ranging from preschool all the way to high school. It really affected who I am as a person. I like to think that because I have been bullied as a child, I have learned to not conform to what society wants of me, and to have my own beliefs and stand up for them. I have retained these opinions ever since childhood, including:

• Saving my virginity for marriage
• Living a straight-edge lifestyle. I have never taken drugs, never smoked, nor have I ever been flat-out drunk. 
• To find magic in my life, to never give up on my dreams, to be my individual self even when other people don't share my views.

I would look at old photos of myself as a child. I feel overwhelmed with the fact that though she may no longer physically exist, she's inside me. She's in my skin, in my blood, in my organs, in my breath, and in my mind. I see her as an embodiment of my beliefs and values, and because of that, I have this overwhelming desire to remain pure at heart, even as I grow jaded as the years pass by.

"By virtue of her purity, she is able to make contact with the marvelous and enter the world of the surreal."

When I stay connected with my inner child, I feel that my imagination, my thoughts, my beliefs, and my motivations are all the more vivid. It's hard to describe, but I feel alive by sticking to the values I've held since childhood. It fuels me as a creative person. I love the feeling of being able to write stories, create paintings and images, and enter worlds that other people can't visit along with me. And this is all without the use of drugs! (I believe that people who say they need drugs to be creative are full of bull****, and that they're just using their "justification" as an excuse.)

"Innocence invites corruption--the more pure and irreproachable, the greater will be the child's fall from grace."

When people discover that I intend to stay a virgin until marriage, they typically respect my decision, and a few have actually confessed that they wish they could have done what I'm doing, such as saying, "I once saved myself for marriage, but the temptation was so great, I gave in. I only wish you could succeed where I failed." Their words make me all the more determined to save myself. However, I have encountered someone who told me these very words: "You know what turns me on about you? It turns me on so much that you've never been touched by a man, and that you've never held a real, living penis. And that means I could be the first one."

"...innocence and evil are interconnected; it is as if the girl's innocence opens the way for the entrance of evil, one feeding off the other in a complex relationship of interdependence."

I think that statement, the one personally told to me, will haunt me forever. It's been about 3 months since I've been told that, and I can still hear his deep voice, dripping with temptation and lust, reverberating in my head. It's as if my attempts to remain innocence has invited his evil desires to prey on me, trying to break down my resolve bit by bit. As cliched as this sounds, there is indeed a darker side of me, a Mr. Hyde inside of me, that wants to throw caution to the wind. Sometimes I wish I could split myself in two, one version to retain my innocence, and the other a carbon copy to commit whatever she wishes. But no, both versions are interconnected inside me, the only body I have in this life. I realize that I cannot exist without the evil and impulsive side of me, because it renders me into a three-dimensional person, one who can make choices. The choices I make define who I am as a person, and even though part of me is tainted and corrupt, and even though there are people who will always try to break me down and destroy my values, I hold the ultimate power to shape who I am as a person. I choose to be as innocent as I can, and I make that choice because the evil in me motivates me to do so. I have to thank evils for giving me the choice to turn my back on them and not give me in. By doing so, my choices preserve my innocence and commemorate the little girl inside me.

"Rose," by painter Mark Ryden